Strength
by Diporae
Summary: 2003 TMNT post s1, ep 23. Part 1 of arc. Splinter is missing and Raphael and Leonardo find themselves pushing each other apart. Raphael takes off only to find himself in serious trouble, but when his brothers arrive on the scene things go from bad to worse when Raph falls into a vat of mutagen.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N Hello dear readers! Welcome to my first TMNT fanfiction! This is the first story in my arc (which as I continue to write my yet be multi-parted but it's yet to be fully decided) and if you enjoy what you read here and what to find out more I urge you to check out Part 2: Changes. It's still in the works, but so far I am pleased where it is going. Anyway thank-you so much for reading and for the record I do not own TMNT!**

Part 1: What Is Strength?

Chapter 1

"Way to go Raph!" Leonardo yelled at me across the room.

_Here we go again_ I thought. We had just returned from patrol and it wasn't exactly a success. We did manage to seriously kick some Purple Dragon ass, but Mikey had gotten pretty badly burned in the encounter. Don was in his lab cleaning and dressing Mikey's burns as Leo and I faced off. "It wasn't a total loss, we totally aced those Dragon Scum!"

The blue-banded turtle advanced towards me, "Are you serious? What part of that fight would you consider "aced?" Was it the part when you ran off on your own again? Before we could scout that warehouse and discover it was stockpiled with ammunition and explosives? The insanely flammable explosives? The ones that burned Mikey? Or maybe you're referring to your inability to follow my orders? Because if it's not any of that I would love to know what qualified as "aced!""

"Get off my shell _Leonardo_!" Leonardo bristled at my use of his full name. The gloves were starting to come off now, "It wasn't that –"

"Don't you dare say "it wasn't that bad!" Mikey could have been seriously injured! We – _you_ – got lucky this time. You always get lucky but I got news for you: one day your luck will run out and we'll have to pay the price for it – _Raphael_!"

Oh that was it. Leonardo had been really pushing my temper these last few months. Ever since Master Splinter mysteriously disappeared, after we finally defeated the Shredder, my anger had been boiling near the surface. I first had to put up with their reluctance to start searching immediately because we needed "a plan." Well I was patient – to the extent I could be – and restrained myself from taking this city apart brick by brick in order to find Splinter. Like a good mutant turtle I kept my head down and actually followed Leonardo's orders. After that first week he finally settled on a "perfect" plan and the search began. A slow, tedious and unfulfilling search.

Yet I still held back and followed his direction. For a whole month we spied on gangs (including of course the Dragons) and the remaining fractions of Shredder's Foot Ninjas. We spied, surveyed and stalked, but still took no real action. Leonardo said he wanted to keep a low profile for both our safety and Master Splinter's safety. He was worried if we started bashing some heads looking for real answers we might get ourselves in danger or risk angering Master Splinter's captor thereby endangering Splinter. At first I believed Leo, but as time went on and we yielded no fruits for our labour I knew we couldn't keep passively sneaking around. Besides Leonardo is always talking about doing the "honourable" thing – what honour is there in spying and sneaking around?

It was time that I started talking things into my own hands. A little one-on-one "friendly" interrogation usually got tongues wagging. However, only two weeks into my new strategy, before I got any real leads, Leonardo – that spying, sneaking snoop – got wind of what I was doing and tensions started to reach an all-time high. The last three days have seen more sparks fly between us than I think we've ever had. Leonardo refused to let me leave the lair on my own anymore and started using Mikey and Don to help keep tabs on me. That didn't stop me though. I knew how to get around them – or I thought I did. Tonight the three of them somehow managed to keep track and follow me. That's when this whole mess turned into Mikey getting torched.

When the fight first broke out it was just me and the Dragons. Things were going great. The Dragons thought since it was just me they could easily take me down in hand-to-hand combat, but when my brothers entered the fight (since they saw me surrounded and thought I was a goner on my own) one of the newbies freaked, pulled out his gun, and started firing randomly. The shot that almost nailed Mikey instead hit a crate full of explosives and you can figure out the rest. Needless to say I had no idea the place was packed full of the stuff but thankfully we still managed to get out before the whole place blew up like the fourth of July. Still if Leonardo had managed to keep to himself none of this would have happened!

"Shut up Leonardo once again you don't know what the hell you're talking about! I make my own luck! I don't need to hear your bullshit on my luck running out because it doesn't work that way! Oh but I forgot Fearless Leader needs a plan for _everything_. Bet you couldn't even get from your bedroom to the bathroom without making a plan first!"

I then shoved him out of the way as I made to head to my room. Leonardo became rigid and hissed "At least I'm not pretending to be stronger than I am by purposely getting myself hopelessly outnumbered in fights just to prove a point!"

I froze in my tracks, "_What did you say?_"

He turned and our eyes met. I could literally feel the lightening jump between our glares, "You heard me _Raphael_. You're weak. That's why you never tell us where you're going because you know you're about to get the shit kicked out of you and don't want us to see. Yet you fail to see that if all four of us fought as a team you'd get your ass handed to you less."

I was dead silent. I didn't dare speak and I suddenly had the massive urge to look away, but he was too close to the mark and if I did or said anything wrong…

I heard footsteps and knew that Don and Mikey were now at the doorway of Don's lab looking in our direction. Yet, neither Leo nor I moved. Too much was at risk. Leo surveyed me and I saw that look of understanding sweep through his eyes. Damn it, Leo did always know me better than I ever wanted to admit. I suddenly realized that while I was holding my breath Leo began to subtly relax. He knew his victory was at hand. _Crap_. _Don't say _it…. "No it's more than that isn't it? You're afraid aren't you?"

He laughed and I know he saw me flinch. He paused, but still didn't waver, "That's it isn't it? You're afraid that if we follow you on one of your suicide missions and are not strong enough to save yourself you will put us all in jeopardy. After all, if you can save yourself what hope is there of you possibly saving us?"

It was like a punch to gut. I felt the air fly out of me and a shiver of ice run through my spine. I didn't respond. I bolted out of the lair as fast as I could, but I felt Leo's gaze burning through my shell and didn't need to read his my mind to know he was thinking: _bull's eye_.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

_Splash splash._ I pounded through the cool tunnels my legs burning with exhaustion, but I had to keep going. _Not far enough… Not far enough…_ Secretly I wondered if it would ever be far enough? I had no idea how long I had been running, but eventually I felt my legs give out and I collapsed in a dank, poorly lit tunnel. I felt the cool water underneath my legs and it brought some temporary comfort. I was still breathing hard and could see the faint mist of my breath. I knew the longer I rested, the closer my body temperature would get to my cold surroundings. Soon the faint cloud would disappear. The presence of it at all was a testament to how fast and how hard I had run. I had reached my limits. Leo was right. He was always right. _I am weak_.

My thoughts were seeping in with the cold and after trying to evade them for so long I knew I no longer could. I had known my weakness for a long time. My brothers had always seen me as the strongest one – physically anyway. It was true. When it came to brute force I was stronger than any of them, but I was never strong enough. I did everything in my power to increase that strength. I trained endlessly and over time learned to harness my frustration at my weakness to train harder. Soon it was more than just frustration, but all my emotions. Maybe it was because I was truly a physical being at heart. The exercises of the mind just never gave me the same sense of accomplishment. However, over the years I had developed a degree of mastery over my physical skills and yes, in some respects, I did surpass my brothers. If I kept my temper in check and my mind calm I was indeed a force to be reckoned with or so I thought.

Then when I faced the Shredder for the first time it became all too evident how weak I still was. In our last encounter with the Shredder it wasn't even I who dealt the final blow, but Leonardo. Not only could I not defeat the Shredder on my own as Leonardo did, but my weakness was also to play for Splinter's disappearance. If only I had been stronger I could have helped Mikey and in turn prevented Splinter from ever taking the major blow for Mikey's sake… The longer Splinter was gone the more and more my lack of strength became apparent. Leo was right, I started going out more and more on my own because although I was willing to put my life at risk I would never do that to my brothers.

I pulled my knees to my chest, wrapped my arms around my legs and put my forehead on my knees and found myself shaking at my failure. Leo was always so hard on himself about how imperfect he was, but the real weak link of the group had always been me. My anger not only helped fuel my training but I used it to try and hide the truth my brothers and Father… I found myself laughing bitterly then. Everything I did was so that I could be stronger – so I could protect my family. Yet, I was slowly tearing the fabric connecting us. Instead of helping them I was hurting them.

Master Splinter had done everything to convince me I was good enough. He never said it in front of the others, but in private he would often comment on my improvement. I relished those moments, but it would not be long before I would act rashly out of anger or frustration and his eyes would be so different. It was more than disappointment I would see then – instead there was a great sorrow. I secretly wondered if he felt responsible for who I had become. If he was here now, if he had seen today's events, what would he think?

Then there was Mikey, my kid brother. He was always up for a laugh and consistently tried to draw one out of me. Through his pranks, jokes, and antics he somehow managed to help keep the darkness at bay. Yet, when I thought of the last prank he pulled (sneaking hot sauce into my OJ) I had totally gone off the deep end. It wasn't even that bad of a prank! He knew that I don't mind spicy food, but I am always so revved up lately that the slightest thing can make me explode.

Don and I have usually gotten along alright. We're pretty much polar opposites, but secretly I have always envied his ability to keep a cool head under pressure. Nothing phases him and he's always there to try and patch up the damage left behind in my wake. My relationship with him has always been fairly consistent and whenever I need companionable silence or a late night talk Don's got my shell. We haven't said anything more than pleasantries in weeks now. It's not just him though, I've pulled away from everyone – especially Leonardo.

A ragged sigh escaped me and I pulled my head and lightly thumped it on the brick wall several times before resting my head on the cool brick and looking up into the darkness. Where do I even start with him? That pompous, arrogant, frustrating, overly-organized-its-not-just-unnecessary-but-unbelievable, frigging perfect Leonardo. Leo… I knew I had hurt him the most. I knew how hard it was for Leo to be the leader. It was a huge burden to bear and I have seen the toll it has taken on him over the last few years. I had always been closest to Leo. He used relate to me on a completely different level than the others. There was a time when Leo got me and I got Leo. Well after tonight I was pretty sure Leo still understood, but I still felt as though my brother was slowly disappearing. I know Leo is stressed almost beyond belief about Master Splinter's disappearance and I know he feels personally responsible for everything good and especially everything bad that happens. I still feel as though despite my efforts to protect Leo somehow I've still been left behind and he's now at a place I can no longer reach. Worry that he can no longer hear me…

There was more to it than that though: deep down, I was insanely jealous of Leo. I had always been jealous of Leo. He was better than me at everything. He was smarter, kinder, a better ninja, and far stronger emotionally and mentally. Hell who was I kidding – Leo had always been physically stronger than me too. The one thing I had always thought I had, that I worked so hard for Leo had had all along. That was most recently proven by his defeat of the Shredder. I had my chance and I wasn't strong enough, but Leo was. He always had been. So maybe he was right to leave me behind. One thing I knew though was what he said before I bolted: if I couldn't protect myself what was the chance of me protecting him?

I laughed bitterly again and felt my eyes water. God it wasn't fair! I worked SO hard!

But wait – that wasn't fair. Leo worked hard too. He was always trying to perfect himself. Always doing his kada over and over until he mastered them completely. Leo probably worked harder than any of us. _Sigh_. It was just another thing to be jealous of. Still despite my envy and my sorrow of him no longer needing me, I still loved Leo. He was my brother and even if I wasn't strong enough to protect him I still had to try right?

Yes, even if Leo no longer was waiting for me that wouldn't stop me from trying! It wasn't in me to give up damn it! However, that meant stunts like the one I pulled tonight needed to stop. I needed to stop hurting them. I needed to stop hurt Leo. I banged my head on the wall again, _You are so stupid Raphael!_

In my anger, frustration, and sorrow my exhaustion finally set in. With wet eyes I drifted into a cold uneasy sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

_I heard my brother Leonardo shout, "RAPHAEL!", but it was too late. I had already lost my balance and found myself falling and falling. _

As with most dreams that involved falling I started awake before impact. At first I was confused and had no idea where I was, but then reality slowly set in. I had no idea what time it was – I had left my shell cell at the lair – and the tunnel I was in gave no indication as to the time of day. I slowly pulled myself up. My muscles were sore from exertion, cold, and sleeping on the hard tunnel floor. Based on the stiffness, I had definitely been out for much longer than I intended. My brothers were probably pretty worried by now. That's right my brothers… _Sigh_ I really needed to get back to apologize to them. I needed to try and get things right this time and I especially wanted to try and fix things with Leo. First, I would need to go topside and find out where I was and what time of day it was. With any luck it would be dark and I could make my way along the rooftops.

It wasn't long before I found a manhole entrance and I crept up the ladder to the heavy steel lid. Through its holes I could see that it was dark. _Geez_ _that means I've been gone all day_ (they had returned to the lair just before sunrise)… _Oh well it worked out because now I can run the rooftops and get home faster. _

I slid the cover off and glanced around to check if the coast was clear. There was some noise from a nearby street but the alley I was in was deserted. My luck continued, not five feet away was an apartment building with a fire escape that would mean easy access to the roof. I quickly made my descent and inspected my surroundings. _Wow I must have really booked it this morning…_

I did know where I was, but it would take probably close to an hour before I was back on home turf. I sighed and began to stretch preparing myself for the long trek back when something caught my eye. Just across the street was a warehouse and although the warehouse looked ordinary enough the semi that was parked outside of it was not. In bold black letters on the side was written "TCRI."

I couldn't help, but gasp "No way!"

That was the acronym that was written on the canister containing the ooze that mutated my brothers and I! I knew I needed to get a closer look! I stuck to the shadows and managed to cross the street and climb up to the roof of the building where there were some glass windows I could look through. It appeared more or less like any other warehouse I'd ever seen. A bunch of wooden crates piled here and there, but what stood out to me was the steel tank in the middle of the room. It had what appeared to be a pressurized lid sealing it and a catwalk crossed not far above it. Where the catwalk crossed on top of the vat there was no railing. Obviously it was some kind of access point to the container. Then I saw them. Two guys in orange jumpsuits and yellow hardhats were pushing a cart with what appeared to be a mini version of the giant tank on the floor. Luckily for me they were so close and the glass was so thin that I managed to catch snippets of their conversation, "Full after this –"

"Careful –"

"Transmat waste"

What the hell was a transmat? I had no idea what they were talking about and they were now getting the lid off of the large tank muttering some techno mumbo jumbo. I was thinking I wasn't going to hear anything useful when - "Giant rat."

No way. After so long I finally had something! I mean how many giant rats are there in New York? I smiled to myself as I pulled out my sais. Only one that I know of, and these gentlemen were going to tell me where to find him.

**A/N Hello dear readers! Thank-you so much for sticking around and reading this! I haven't written anything in a long time (well anything like this - lab reports and essays aren't exactly the same thing) so I am sure my creative writing skills are a bit rusty. The next few chapters will definitely move at a fast pace and hopefully you guys enjoy where I'm taking it. Thanks again and I'll see you guys in future chapters! **


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

I looked at the clock again just to be sure. Six o'clock. Raphael had now been gone twelve hours. At first after he took off into the sewer tunnels I had been too pissed to even consider going after him. Fine he wanted to go be the lone ranger again? Fine not my problem! However, as the day wore on and I mulled over the impact my words had on him during our fight I felt I finally had some level of understanding as to what was going on.

Raph had never been one to discuss his feelings. Even when we were little I had to pry it out of him, but I could do it. However, over the last few years that slowly started to change and before I knew it I felt I had lost my connection to the brother I had once always felt closest to. I felt I finally got it now though. All this time in his own weird way Raph had desperately been trying to be strong to help keep us safe. I wondered if part of the reason why he wanted to go out on dangerous missions alone was because by keeping us out of the loop he was keeping us out of danger.

_Sigh_. Still little did he know that by doing that he was not only constantly worrying us, but putting himself in potentially mortal danger. Why did he get to protect us, but we weren't allowed to protect him? It had gotten so bad the last couple of weeks that I approached Don and Mikey about my concerns. It was my responsibility as the leader, as his brother, to keep him safe. If I failed at that what good was I? That's why Don secretly cooked up a tiny tracking device. Mikey did the job of placing it on the inside of Raph's shell when Raph was tackled him for putting hot sauce in his OJ. It had worked like a charm – well almost. We did manage to find Raph and get him out of a pretty bad situation, but Mikey would be nursing his burns for a while. That and I totally lost it again and the next thing I knew Raph was gone.

I shook my head and admitted that I was starting to get as bad as Raph in the anger department. We were all stressed about Master Splinter's absence but Raph and I were struggling the most and instead of turning to each other for support we were starting to tear each other apart. I was seriously starting to worry that something bad was going to happen if we didn't find Sensi soon. That had to wait though. I was worried about Raph and it was time to find our brother.

"Hey Don, is that tracker we put on Raph still functioning?"

"I'm one step ahead of you Leo. He is at Kurtis and Wilson." Don turned his laptop screen toward me so I could see the map. "I've already uploaded the signal to the Shell Raiser so we can track as we go. He's been in the same place for hours, but if he moves we'll know it."

That's our Donatello! He was always one step ahead of me, but I had to secretly admit that I was glad that I wasn't the only one worried about our hot-headed brother. "Excellent Don! Mikey get down here! We're hitting the road and bringing our brother home."

Mikey grinned from his room upstairs, "Alright! It's about time Leo!"

He jumped down and grimaced as he landed. Mikey was still in one piece but the backs of his arms and legs had been pretty badly burned. If it weren't for his shell it definitely would have been a lot worse. I felt a shock of anger run through me towards Raphael. _Enough Leo it's time to move on and bring him home_.

The three of us went to the elevator that would take us to the abandoned warehouse that held our diverse array of vehicles. As we descended I looked at Mikey, "I want you to take it easy Mikey. Those burns are going to be bad for a while and you need to let them heal."

"Ah don't worry about it Leo we're just going on a road trip across the city. I bet the only trouble we'll have is explaining to Raph how we mysteriously knew how to find him. I get to drive!"

We hadn't been driving more than ten minutes when Don spoke up from the monitor. "Hey Leo it looks like he's on the move."

_Just great,_ I thought. _He'd better be staying out of trouble._

**Hello dear readers! So now we've just gotten a glimpse into Leo's mind. For the most part I will be writing in Raph's POV, but I think to really get the two brothers' relationship across I need to write in Leo's POV a bit too. Thanks again for reading!**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

I jumped through the glass and managed to kick one of the workers on the way down. Not gonna lie – it was like kicking a brick wall. The guy didn't even recoil. He and his partner just stared at me and then one of them pulled up his sleeve and pressed a button on his watch. Alarms started going off and the next thing I knew these two guys had pulled out some kind of laser guns and were firing at me.

_Shit shit shit_, I thought as I narrowly dodged the beams. Then one hit me in the shoulder and I hissed. It was like getting stabbed with a hot poker. Who were these guys? Since my kick did nothing I tried my sais. I needed to get them to stop firing at me so I threw one at the guy standing further back and managed to bump the gun out of his hand. With the closer guy I ducked under his latest barrage and used my sai's prongs to dig the gun out of his grip, but as I did so the sai went up and sliced through his face and – got stuck? I gasped. Instead of blood, sparks flew and I cold shiver ran through me. _These guys aren't human?_

In my panic I backed away and released my sai leaving it in the guys head. _Oh man what am I going to do now? This is one hell of a mess you've found yourself in now Raphael! _

Then things went from bad to worse as what I presumed to be more of these guys came flowing in_._ Like their buddies they also had laser guns. I returned my attention to the guy directly in front of me who now was pulling my sai out of his face. He tossed it away and I watched as it flew from the catwalk and landed on the ground below at the feet of none other than Leonardo. A cold hand griped my heart. What were my brothers doing here? Leo stared up at me and shouted "Raph! Look out!"

I turned my head to have it punched by hardhat number one. It was like getting hit by a freight train and I found myself losing my balance. He then kicked me hard in the gut and instead of hitting the railing I realized I was at the spot in the catwalk above that vat where these guys had been emptying sludge into earlier.

It was as if time slowed down and I remember as I fell hearing Leo shouting "RAPHAEL!"

I looked in his direction and for a moment our eyes met and as I whispered "Leonardo," I hit the cold liquid. At first it felt like I had landed into nothing more than some sludgy water. I was just beginning to think how lucky I had been to have not fallen and broken my neck on the floor when it began. My skin began to crawl and then burn. Within seconds, my whole body was burning. It felt as if I was being taken apart piece by piece. I realized then that instead of this vat of whatever being my saviour it was some kind of poison and I had to be dying. It hurt so bad! Yet despite the agony I heard my brothers' muffled shouts, their weapons in action, and the sounds of more laser fire. What had I done? This was all my fault. There was no way my brothers could fight these guys off. There were too many and they weren't human. I had doomed them and I could do nothing to help them. Ahhh it hurt so bad! My mind was going black and all I could think was _Leonardo… Leonardo… Leo…_

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I saw my brother falling and there was nothing I could do. We were surrounded and there was no way I could reach him in time. All I could do was look him in the eyes and shout "RAPHAEL!"

Then he disappeared into the tank. I saw a splash of an odd-coloured thick liquid (it looked like green sludge) and as I faced my attackers I anxiously awaited the sound of my brother breaking the surface. I waited and waited and couldn't help thinking, _why isn't he coming up?_

Mikey and Don were obviously thinking the same thing as they kept glancing at the tank as the battle continued. Finally Mikey broke the silence, "why isn't he coming up? Raph! Raphie?! RAPHAEL?!"

Nothing. I was now worried that the punch he'd had before going down had knocked him out and that he was slowly drowning at the bottom of that tank. We needed to reach him now, but it was becoming quickly apparent that we were out of our league and in serious trouble. Don's bo staff had broken on his first hit on his opponent's arm. It snapped in two like he had just tried to break through steel. Mikey's chucks weren't doing any better and when my katana finally landed a hit on my opponent I quickly realized these weren't ordinary guys. They were some kind of robots! What kind of mess had Raph gotten us into?

The three of us had now been backed into a corner. Mikey had collapsed on the ground – his burns were too much for him. Don and I stood in front of Mikey, but when I caught Don's eye I knew this was it. Then we heard a massive sound – it was as if steel was being torn apart. It evidently wasn't something our robot friends were expecting either since their attention was also drawn to the noise and I could have sworn I heard some curses. Don, Mikey, and I quickly located the source of the disturbance and saw the steel tank being ripped apart... From the inside... I felt my breathing stop.

At first all I could see was a giant three fingered clawed hand ripping through the metal but then I saw a massive muscular green arm attached to that hand. That limb was covered in dark green scales and had a giant black spike emerging from the elbow curving smoothly towards the shoulder. Then the steel was folded down like a flower opening its petals and I found myself and Don backing up towards Mikey. That arm was attached to a monstrous body. Wrapped around that body was a massive thick black shell. The plastron spiked at the corners were the limbs emerged and the carapace's edging was not smooth but spiked all around the circumference. The carapace tented upwards in the middle giving the impression of more spikes running down the length of it. Two massive green trunks of legs held that shell up and those legs were connected to two-toed feet that had black claws matching the fingers. In between the legs was a huge green tail that was long enough to curve on the floor. It had long black spikes grouped together at the tip. What emerged from the top of the shell was a longish neck. This connected to an angular head that had snout for a mouth (similar to a dragon) with long sharp teeth. Above and below the eyes were trails of small red spikes. These spikes connected between the eyes and moved along to the back of the head and in two symmetrical rows ran down the neck (much like a headband my brothers and I are all too familiar with). The eyes were what really made my heart stop.

I heard Mikey whisper "Raphie?" and I knew we were all thinking the same thing. This thing's eyes were the same as Raphael's.

**Hello dear readers! So in case you haven't figured it out by now or are not familiar with the cannon story line the turtles are fighting the Utroms! I knew I wanted the idea of the mutagen from the 80's and 2012 cartoon series but wanted to stick with just the 2003 cartoon universe. So I figured the waste from the Utrom's transmat was the best way to do it. I hope you guys are liking where this is heading and thanks again for reading!**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

I came to feeling as though I had just been squeezed into a box that was way too small. Again it took me a moment to remember where I was. The sounds of lasers and my brothers' shouts quickly brought me back. _That's right – I fell into that tank full of… Something…_

However, there no longer was any sensation of liquid around me. I was just pressed up against cold hard steel. If it weren't for the all too familiar sounds around me I would have thought I was dead or a prisoner somewhere, but upon opening my eyes I confirmed that I was still in the tank. Except the liquid was gone… _That's weird_…

I didn't have time to ponder it though because I was brought out of my confusion when I heard unfamiliar voices, "Orders confirmed Captain Mortu we shall capture the remaining terrapin creatures so we can cross examine them with the rat."

I felt my anger explode to the surface. I may have gotten my brothers into this mess but there was no way I was going to let these goons experiment on my family! I needed to get out of this thing now! I slammed my arms with all my might on the sides of the container and was utterly astonished to hear the sound of metal tearing. _What the hell?_

I heard Don hiss in pain. No time to think just go. With that I pushed and the metal tore away like tissue paper. Then as I emerged from my confinement several things demanded my attention. First, the tank was positioned on the ground floor of the warehouse and yet from my view point I was higher than the catwalk which had to be at least twenty feet. I wasn't that much higher than the catwalk, but still… I could feel my breath catch in my throat. I needed to look down, but I had a very bad feeling as to what I would find. As I steeled myself for the inevitable I realized that the warehouse had grown eerily quiet. If it weren't for that I doubt I would have heard Mikey's tiny whisper, "Raphie?"

I looked in the direction of Mikey's voice. There in a corner surrounded by robots were Leo, Don, and Mikey. Mikey was on the ground leaning against a wall and looked like he was ready to pass out. I then noticed Don and Leo slowly backing up towards Mikey. Both of them still had their weapons raised (well in Don's case he had one piece of his broken bo in each hand). All three bore new wounds and I could see blood running from a wound on Leo's shoulder. That wasn't what made a shiver run down my spine though. All three of them were looking at me and they looked petrified.

I couldn't wait any longer I had to look down and as I did I felt bile rise to my throat. I was a monster_  
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I felt myself panicking and then I heard the sound of a gun go off and a laser hit me in the shell. I felt nothing, but it was then that I knew I lost it.

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I was frozen in terror. I had no idea what to do. Was that really Raphael? And if it was did he remember who he was? Did he remember us? I was about to look at Don for answers when I heard a gun go off and suddenly an explosive roar erupted from the monster in front of us. Total chaos erupted.

The behemoth was now on all fours and was definitely pissed off. He tore through the robots with his claws like they were made of butter. I couldn't even slice through these guys with my katana but that was no problem for him. He struck them with his tail and they flew away like rag dolls. We no longer seemed to exist to the robots, now all of their attention was completely demanded. I felt the building shake as the giant's tail ripped through one of the walls and I made a decision then. "Don, Mikey we need to get out of here now!"

Mikey stared at me, "but what about…." His eyes tore from mine and looked at the direction of another roar, "Raph?"

Another vibration rolled through the building and Don nodded to me, "Leo's right Mikey. At the rate he…. Raph…. Is going it won't be long before the building collapses. We can come up with a plan once we're outside."

Mikey again looked at…. Raph…. He turned back to us and slowly nodded. It looked like he was ready to cry. Don and I went on either side of Mikey and put his arms over our shoulders and we quickly moved to the nearest window. With all the commotion most of the windows had been blown out. Since my shoulder was wounded, Don pulled Mikey into a fireman's hold and jumped out the window. Before I followed my brothers, I turned around and looked at my remaining brother. There weren't that many robots left now and although the remaining robots were undoubtedly pulling out all stops to take down Raph he looked completely unharmed. Then as if on cue, Raphael looked in my direction and anger seemed to leave his eyes as he stared at me on the verge of leaving him behind. He opened his mouth, "Leo…"

Suddenly another great shudder ran through the building and the roof started to cave. I had no choice. I jumped out the window and as I felt the cool night air on my skin and ran to catch up with Don and Mikey who were now in the Shell Raiser. I couldn't shake what just happened from my mind. My eyes watered as I saw Raph's eyes in the collapsing warehouse. They were full of such sorrow and anguish... But what made me start to shake like a leaf as we drove away was when I heard him say my name. His voice was full of more terror than I had ever heard from Raph before. Worst of all, I did this to him…

**A/N Just to get some perspective into Raph's growth spurt: The warehouse is around 3 stories tall (just over 30 feet or 9 meters). Since the catwalk is around the 2 story mark (20 ft or 18 m) Raph is standing at full height just above said catwalk. So I settled on him being about 22 ft or 6.7 m tall. I know I like comparisons when thinking about heights, weights, and whatnot a male giraffe is usually around 19 ft or just shy of 6 m tall. So basically Raph is now slightly taller than an adult male giraffe. Thanks for reading!**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N Hello again dear readers! I just wanted to let you know that I have made some formatting changes to chapters 5 and 6. I didn't realize that some of my "breaks" within the chapters themselves were deleted by doc manager after saving. Anyway, hopefully the flow is a little bit more clear now. I apologize if I confused anyone, but unfortunately such mistakes are inevitable whenever one is getting used to something like this. In other news I got my first review ever! Super exciting and I'm glad to hear that at least one of you is enjoying my tale! Hopefully you'll still like it as we continue! See you later!**

Chapter 7

It was silent. The building had finished collapsing and I was pretty sure I was the only thing left alive. Only a few moments ago I had heard the unmistakable sound of the Shell Raiser's engine as it burned down the street. I knew that engine better than anyone. I was always doing tune-ups on it. Although I preferred to work on my bike, I could do wonders on anything with a motor. It was my thing or it _was_ my thing. I realized that my brothers had left me and I was now alone. I groaned as I stood feeling the rubble roll off my shell. It wasn't that it had particularly hurt, but I still felt a dull ache from whatever had happened in that tank… As the debris shifted away a gleam of light caught my eye. On the ground was my remaining sai. The one that the robot had thrown on the ground at Leo's feet (I had lost track of the other after I disarmed the other robot). I bent down (geez it was such a long way now) and pinched it between my fingers. It was so small. It was like it belonged in a doll house. I shook my head. _This is so wrong_.

It was completely useless to me now. My once steady and precise hands were now too large, but I didn't have it in me to leave it behind. I always kept my sais on me. They _were_ a part of me. I looked down at the upper part of my shell and made a decision. I drove the sai into the inside of the shell just above where flesh met shell. As I pushed it in I angled it so it would slide in parallel. After a bit of coercion (_geez this shell is harder than my old one_) I was pleased with the result. It didn't dig into me but I could still feel the tip of the handle ever so slightly. In a small way I felt safer.

It was still dark, but the horizon was starting to lighten. Sunrise would probably happen within the hour. Distant sirens caught my attention. I turned and looked for the nearest manhole cover and grimly realized there was no way I was going to fit in there. The sirens were starting to get closer and I needed to get out of here now. _Think Raph think!_

I could see the river in the distance. That was it! I'd go to the river and find one of the larger sewer entrances and then I…. And then I would….. Shit. I didn't know what I'd do. It was obvious my brothers were now terrified of me. Why else would they leave me in the dust? They now had all the confirmation they needed that I was a monster inside and out. The inside had been proven first against Leo and now I had this horrendous body to match. Why would they want anything to do with me now? Besides, look what I had done to those robot goons and that warehouse without breaking a sweat. One angry outburst and the lair was history. I refused to risk my brothers' lives any more than I already had. As much as it hurt to think of life without them, if me staying away kept them safer then so be it.

The sirens were pretty close now. I booked it. I moved on all fours hoping to draw less attention to myself. I did hear some screams as I ran but I was gone before they could figure out what I was. In no time I was in the river and under the water. I followed the current for a while and just before I reached the ocean I found a large sewer entrance that I thought would do. It was a tight squeeze, but I made it. The tunnel was even more cramped than the entrance and I had to battle crawl to avoid getting stuck. I knew I just needed to get to the sub sewer tunnels. Normally my brothers and I avoided those tunnels since they were old and some were pretty unstable, but they were much larger than the modern tunnels and I didn't want to crawl any more than I had to. Plus, now that Don had cured Quarry and her friends I'd have the place all to myself. Then I could finally have time to think and figure this out.

It was long going (with many curses every time I hit my head on the stupidly low ceiling) but finally I found myself in a series of dark but large tunnels. I could even almost stand on two legs in some of them (although I had to hunch quite a bit). I found myself grumbling as I found a dry spot to curl up and rest for a while. It was a suitably dry platform but I desperately missed my dry room and my hammock. I shook my head, _better get used to it Raphael. This is your home now_.

I stretched then curled up on my stomach and tried to focus my thoughts on what improvements I could make to this place. _I suppose I could get some electricity down here and adjust the water flow. Then at least I could get some electrical heat in here and make it less damp…_

I deep rumble came from my gut and I groaned. _When_ _was the last time I ate? It feels like it's been ages… What the hell am I going to eat down here? _

I looked down at my massive shell. _Man, I'm probably going to need a truck full of grub too… Crap, and I thought Mikey ate a lot…._

It had to have been at least twenty-four hours since I last ate and as it donned on me how hungry I was I knew I had my work cut out for me. More importantly though I needed to stop thinking about my brothers and accept this was my new life. _ Heh… My oh so lovely new existence as a monster… _

I continued to mull over my thoughts but eventually the mixture of hunger, sorrow, and exhaustion finally caught up with me and I fell into an uneasy sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

It was silent. We were back in the lair and I finally was almost finished dressing Don's wounds. We both had worked together to fix up Mikey who had refused to go to his room and sleep. Instead he was laying on the nearby couch staring resolutely at the ceiling. Don had then cleaned, stitched, and bandaged my shoulder and now that I was almost finished on him, I could feel the numbness of the novocaine in my shoulder wearing off. I was not excited for the pain to return. Don was the least hurt, but he still had some pretty good laser burns. I was just dressing a particularly nasty one of his right thigh when Mikey broke the silence, "Guys, what are we gonna do?"

I bristled, "Well what to you want us to do about it Mikey? I did everything I could to try and stop him from going out on his own! I warned him something like this would happen! In my opinion he's lucky we didn't get killed because it was getting pretty close there…"

_Geez, what the hell is wrong with me? It's not like me to chew up Mikey like that…_

Mikey sat up. I saw him suck in his breath but he wasn't done, "Come on Leo chill out! You're acting like he deserved this!"

I flinched, but I felt so strung out. I wanted to scream and just run and run until everything was good again. I knew that wasn't an option. My brothers needed me, but I was completely overrun by my emotions. I had once prided myself on my control, but lately that control had been slowly fracturing and I felt as though I could snap at any time. "He did deserve it!"

Don tensed and interjected, "Really Leo? You really think he deserved to have that happen? I know Raph has done a lot of stupid things, but he always has the best intentions behind them. You should know better than anyone how much Master Splinter's disappearance has weighed on him!"

Mikey came to Don's defense, "Yeah Leo! Raph has been going crazy trying to do what you say. Personally, I'm impressed he lasted this long. He struggles more with patience than any of us! He's a turtle of action not thought! Wait that came out wrong… He's a doer not a thinker… Wait that's not good either… Ah forget it you know what I mean!"

I hissed, "Well he obviously could've done better! What it comes down to is his lack of responsibility and –"

Don cut me off, "Leo you may be surprised to hear this but Raph feels just as much responsibility for his family as you do. He has always been desperately determined to protect his family no matter what the cost! You said it yourself he's afraid of not being strong enough. You think he's afraid of hurting himself? No. He is constantly afraid of _us_ getting hurt. That's why he gets into so many fights on his own."

I released a ragged sigh, furious with myself for acting this way. Of course they were right. Hadn't I been thinking the same thing just a few hours earlier? The truth was it wasn't Raph that I was angry with – it was me. I had royally screwed up. It was my fault this had happened and worst of all instead of taking responsibility for my mistake I left him completely and utterly alone. Left him when I knew how terrified he was. I had done him a terrible wrong and I needed to at least try and fix it. Even though…. Even though I knew he would never forgive me…

I put my head in my hands and shook. I would not cry in front of my brothers. I needed to keep it together. "This. Is. All. My. Fault. I'm. So. Sorry. Raph!"

I felt Don place his hand on my shoulder, "It's alright Leo. We are going to figure this out."

I breathed in and out shallowly, "but what if we can't change him back? What if he stays a… Stays a monster?"

Don sighed, "I'm not going to lie Leo it is not going to be easy. If what mutated him is what I think it is it may be a long time before I find a solution, but I promise you I won't give up until I do."

Mikey spoke in a quiet voice, "Donnie what do you think did it?"

I pulled my head out of my hands and looked up at Don. Under that purple mask he suddenly looked very tired. "Well I have several clues that led me to my hypothesis. First, there was a truck parked outside the warehouse with the letters "TCRI" written on the side. Remember where that's from?"

Mikey and I both gasped in unison and turned our attention to a table not far from Don's lab where an empty canister sat. The same TCRI canister that mutated us from ordinary turtles into mutant turtles!

Don nodded at our acknowledgement, "Exactly. Now it may have been a different substance than what was in our canister, but that green ooze did match Master Splinter's physical description. Additionally, if the amount of ooze that was in that vat is any indication, these TCRI guys have been accumulating this chemical for quite some time. Ideally, a fifteen year supply all stored in that single vat. However, this is just simple observational data; in order to proceed I need to obtain a sample of Raph's DNA. With that I can hopefully use the same primers that I used to isolate the mutations in our DNA. After doing a simple PCR and the running of some gels I'll hopefully get some valuable results. Ideally results that support for my current hypothesis and will allow me to proceed in developing a process to reverse his current condition."

Mikey and I stared at Don. I had to admit genetics and biochemistry were not the top of my expertise list. I still gathered the gist of what he was saying though. "And if these aren't the results you're hoping for?"

"Well then it could be a while depending on where the incorrect assumption lies. I'll be honest with you, I am currently taking a lot of liberties with this first approach. I fear that it will be far more complicated. For example, not having the right primers to run a helpful PCR would be a huge setback. If I have no previous knowledge on what I'm working with this could easily turn into a genetics nightmare."

Don obviously saw Mikey and my blank looks and sighed, "It would be like looking for a needle in a hay stack without knowing what the needle looks like."

Mikey nodded, "Ah gotcha brainiac. How about Leo and I help with the whole getting the sample and then you just tell us what to do from there!"

I followed Mikey's suit, "Yeah Don, we'll get you anything you need. You just might have to dumb it down a bit."

Don smiled, "Hey no worries I'll take the help wherever I can get it. Especially if that means getting our brother back."

I agreed. I would do anything to get my Raphael back. It was bad enough that Master Splinter was missing. I couldn't bear to lose my brother too. I stood and stretched, "Alright team, let's get some rest and in a few hours we'll start our search."

Mikey looked up at me, "Where are we even going to start Leo? Last time I checked New York didn't have a population of twenty!"

As I moved to the stairs leading to the bedrooms I responded, "We'll start at the warehouse Mikey and then go from there."

(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)

It was dark once again and the three of us were parked in the Shell Raiser down the street from the warehouse. The whole site had been taped off and workers were sifting through the rumble. "Damn, it didn't surprise me that they didn't quit right when the sun set, but it's now past midnight! When are these guys going to call it a day?"

We had been parked here for hours waiting and waiting for our chance to poke around a bit. No chance though, these guys just didn't know when to take a break. Don looked at me, "Not likely Leo, don't you see what's written on their work clothes? "TCRI.""

It was true, most of the workers were in orange coveralls with TCRI written on the back. Mikey placed his elbows on his knees and leaned into his hands, "So now what bros? There's no way we can just go strutting over there looking for Raph's trail. First, we'd definitely be seen. Second, I would not be surprised if those guys were actually more of those robo dudes."

I was at a loss. Without some kind of trail, finding Raph could be difficult. We had hoped the news would have reported some kind of giant turtle sighting over the day, but the only thing we got was some kid talking about the warehouse collapse and claiming he saw a monster climb out of the rumble. It was definitely Raph, but before the boy could say which direction the turtle went, his mother scolded him on camera about how he shouldn't tell lies. So here we were back at square one. We were silent for a minute when suddenly Don jumped up, "I wonder… No that would be too easy…. But still it's worth checking…."

He ran over to his monitor and started pounding on keys. Mikey and I exchanged glances, "What is it Don?"

But he just ignored me and continued to mutter to himself while he clicked away. Mikey rolled his eyes at me. We knew better. Once Don got in these moods you just had to let him do his thing. In a strange way it was a lot like leaving Raph alone when he had one of his tantrums. Just let them do their thing and then they'd be back to normal. "Yes! I don't believe it! It's still giving off a signal!"

Mikey sighed in exasperation, "Donnie you're killing us here! What is giving off a signal?"

Then it hit me, "No way! Don are you serious? It managed to survive?"

He looked up at me and smiled, "Yeah Leo, and I know where he is."

**A/N Poor Leo he feels so guilty! Even though Raph is my favourite turtle I find Leo easier to write for, but that's because I relate best to Leo. We are both over achievers and perfectionists to the max. However, because we place such unrealistically high standards on ourselves, no matter how much we do it will never be enough. Yeah we get tons done and usually do it well, but it's a very draining lifestyle and here it is obviously starting to get to Leo here. I know a lot of people and the turtles themselves describe Leo as arrogant, but just like Raph's angry, tough guy facade I think Leo is using his "arrogance" to hide his true insecurities. It's one thing to disappoint those around you, but to always be a disappointment to yourself really can chip away at one's confidence. That's just my interpretation though and I hope to explore that side of Leo more as the story progresses.**

**Also, I hope I wrote a successful portrayal of Don's geeky side. As Biology Major I do know a decent amount about this kind of thing (although I'm not about to claim I am a master at genetics by any means) and I know I am really oversimplifying things, but I think I still managed to give you guys the bare bones without boring you to death. So yeah I guess where science is concerned I can relate to Donnie a lot too... **

**See you guys later!**


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

I could feel myself waking up. _No no no_.

I didn't want to open my eyes and face the impending reality. I had slept remarkably well. I dreamed everything was back to normal. My bros and I were hanging out. Master Splinter was getting after us to clean the lair. April and Casey were doing that thing they do – I knew it was only a matter of time before they started dating. Despite how hard I tried to cling to that dream world I was becoming all too aware of the subtle changes in my body. I could feel its weight… I could feel its strength…

I finally opened my eyes and stretched. I then slowly moved to a brighter section of the tunnel (where some lights still miraculously burned). Water pooled at my feet and I sat on my hunches and bent down and collected water in my hands to splash the remaining sleep from my eyes. It was then as my vision cleared and the water stilled that I saw my reflection.

It was the first time I had looked at myself since the change. I had had a few opportunities yesterday morning, but I wasn't ready to accept them then. Now I forced myself to study this new face. I saw some reminders of myself. I still had the same amber eyes, the same dark green skin (although the scales were now larger and thicker), the same number of digits on my hands and feet, and my shell (although it was now black). So I was still identifiable as a turtle, but that was where the resemblance ended. _I suppose I can deal with the claws, spikes, and shell mods. Hell I can even handle the tail, but my face…_

The only thing about my face that was familiar was my eyes. Although they were larger (I secretly was glad that they were at least still proportional to my head) they were the same colour and shape. They really hadn't changed at all. Otherwise it was like I was wearing a mask. Sure my red ninja mask had somehow fused and mutated into these rows of red spikes so I guess it was technically still there, but everything else freaked me out. My head looked like it belonged to one of the dragons in Mikey's video games. The length of the neck was one thing (I mean it wasn't _that_ much longer) but I had a freaking snout! A snout! I half expected to be able to breathe fire at any moment or have smoke come out of my nostrils. Then there was the teeth. I inwardly groaned, _My sais are probably the same length as some of these chompers! To think I used to make fun of Mikey before he grew into his big teeth... Although I guess he did need big teeth to go with that big mouth… Still these pearly whites aren't really the worst of my problems are they?_

There really was only one thing worse than my new mug. The true elephant in the room or I guess I should say mutant. I was freaking huge. I was pretty sure when I stood up on two feet (like I normally would do) I had to be around twenty feet. Twenty Fucking Feet! Forget indoors – there was no way I would be able to stand up to my full height unless I was outside. At least my legs had shrunk (_or grew less or maybe it was that they still grew but my arms grew more…. Fuck whatever_). Anyway at least my limbs had proportioned themselves so that I could walk on all fours much easier than before. That being said, I was even then around ten feet (thus explaining yesterday's battle crawl marathon through the tunnels).

Yet, as I crouched there looking down at myself I did see something positive. I was now insanely strong. I could see the huge muscles bulging against my skin without even flexing. I flexed my arm and felt my breath escape, "Wow…"

I felt my biceps, my triceps, and every other individual muscle in my arm. They were all rock solid. It was like pressing on steel, but then I remembered the steel I had ripped apart like paper last night and thought, _Hell maybe even stronger than that!_

My legs were just as strong and I pitied the fool who dared to mess with my tail. So I guess there was a _small_ bright side to all of this. _Too bad I'm going to spend the rest of my days in these grimy sub sewers_.

I finally tore away from my reflection and was deciding where I was going to go looking for food when I heard – no I _smelt_ something. Now I'm not going to lie, I smell about as well as any other mutant turtle but I know I have never really paid attention to individual smells. To me it either smelt good or it smelt bad. End of story. Suddenly it was like I was engulfed in a sea of smells and I realized I had been aware of the all the scents around me without thinking about it. It was only now when these new smells emerged that I understood how much more I was noticing. I didn't focus on the smell of my familiar surroundings (and really who would want to?) it was these new smells I zeroed in on. I lifted my… _Sigh_… _snout…_ up and inhaled deeply.

First I smelt a mixture of potato chips, popcorn, pizza, and comic books – _Michelangelo_. Next was paper, ink, pencil shavings, and coffee – _Do_natello_. _ Finally a more subtle scent, bamboo, clean sheets, candle wax, and a hint of incense – _Leonardo_. My heart skipped a beat. My brothers were nearby – I sniffed again – and judging by the increase in their scent they were getting closer.

I found myself backing down the tunnel returning to the darkness. What were they doing here? Why were they here? They left me behind! They thought I was a monster! Didn't they realize I was a menace? A shiver of fear mixed with confusion ran through me. _How'd they even find me?_

I quietly edged deeper and deeper into the darkness and then noticed another bonus to my new form. I could see a hell of a lot better in the dark than before. Maybe if I was lucky I could get deep enough into the darkness that they wouldn't see or hear me and they would turn around and go another way. Then I heard voices and I sank lower into the shadows. They were almost at my tunnel. Don's whisper was the first I heard, "Alright guys according to my tracker he's really close – just down this tunnel."

_What?! How the hell did they get a tracker on me?_

I was thinking hard about my interactions with my brothers over the last few days when a spark of memory came: Mikey's hot sauce prank. _I thought I felt that weasel touch the inside of my shell!_

So that's how they found me at the Purple Dragon's warehouse and then last night at the TCRI building! That's why Leo let me just run off after our fight in the lair. That snake knew all along that he could follow me whenever he felt the urge. I felt my temper starting to bubble closer to the surface and then I heard Leo whisper, "Alright guys nice and quiet and remember we don't want to scare him."

_Scare me?! Ha! What a laugh! Did they seriously think they could take me on? Sure before three against one was a no brainer, but now… _

Now my spike of fear had a good dash of anger mixed with it, I continued to quietly edge away. I guess it didn't really matter since I didn't have time to go digging for that techo bug Don had cooked up but I still wanted to get away. I didn't want to face them now... I didn't want them to see me like this… I just wanted to be left alone... I wanted to protect them from the monster I had become…

I felt my tail hit a wall, _damn, dead end!_

They were in the same tunnel with me now. I moved into a frog crouch position with my fingers firmly on the ground helping support my upper body and my legs bent up with my knees near my shoulders. I was now as close to the wall as I could get and officially had nowhere else to go. I could see their flashlight beams landing just a little short of my position. Which meant they still hadn't seen me, but even without the lights I could see them. I was cornered and it was only a matter of time… Unless I scared them off… If I did that I could buy me some time to get away and get this stupid tracking bug off. The beams were only a few feet away from me now but I couldn't seem to move. A treacherous part of me so badly wanted to be with my brothers and hug them and tell them how sorry I was, but I just couldn't face them. Only seconds away from view now… _Raphael now is not the time to freeze!_

A slow deep growl escaped from my mouth and I bared my teeth. _Ok so maybe I am more than a little scared…_

They stopped walking and stared in my direction. Then I smelt it. Surprisingly not from Don or Mikey like I would have expected but Leo. Leo's subtle gentle scent suddenly had the distinct metallic odour of adrenaline. Leo was scared. The scent grew stronger. No, Leo was petrified! I halted my growl in confusion. _What the hell? What happened to fearless leader?_

I had always thought Leo wasn't scared of anything. We all know that Mikey is a 'fraidy cat. Anything could make that twerp jump. Don is a serious germaphobe (I know pretty ironic since he lives in a sewer). Then there was me. They all know I _hate_ bugs and Leo (all my bros for that matter) obviously shared my bigger fears like losing our family but he isn't scared of random little things. The only fear (which I didn't find out about until a few months ago) he had was his fear of heights and the Boy Scout dug deep and conquered it. The day I stopped shivering at the thought of a cockroach was the day hell froze over. Yet here all four of us were together in a dark sewer tunnel and Leo was seriously freaking out. Sure there was a tiny hint of adrenaline in Mikey and Don too, but it was a totally normal amount for the situation. Leo's blood _reeked_ of it. I couldn't help but wonder if Leo was always this scared. _Maybe my fearless leader isn't so fearless after all…_

The silence continued. I didn't know what to do. I should have started growling again but the smell of Leo's profound amount of terror was making me feel sick. Especially because I was the source of his fear. Then a gentle voice came from my kid brother, "Raphie? It's ok bro. You don't have to be scared. We're here to help you. We're your brothers remember?"

I sat frozen in shock. How did Mikey always manage to surprise me like that? He knew how to read all of us better than we thought. Even in this monstrous form he somehow knew how scared I was. I didn't understand. How could he be so sure of himself when he had no idea if I was in my right mind? He saw what I did in that warehouse! Yeah I knew I hadn't yet lost it any more than normal, but still Mikey had no way of knowing that! I heard Don suck in his breath and Leo hiss, "No Mikey!"

But Mikey waved Leo off and walked slowly and resolutely in my direction. I knew he could see my hands and feet in his flashlight now, but he didn't shine it up and he didn't stop walking. Instead he turned off the beam and walked the remaining few feet in complete darkness. I couldn't believe it! Leo and Don were frozen in place. Leo's adrenaline was so strong I thought I might gag. Even Don was starting to pump out a decent amount, but not Mikey – he was cool as a cucumber. He wasn't afraid at all. My little bro, the one who can't sleep alone after watching a horror flick, who hates the dark, and leaps out of his shell whenever I jump him, was not even remotely scared of his horrific freak of a brother. He was now in touching distance of my left hand and it was only then that he looked up into my eyes, smiled, and hugged my hand. I felt myself shake trying to keep it together, but Mikey held on – even rubbing the palm of it like he would rub the back of my shell whenever he hugged me. After a minute I quieted my breathing and felt my pulse start to slow and it was then that Mikey looked up again and said, "Hey Raphie, you doing ok bro?"

I reached up with my other hand and brushed the tears out of my eyes and murmured, "I am now Mikey."

**A/N Hello dear readers! Ahhh Mikey is just making all the feels happen! Of the four turtles I always felt that he was the most confident and true to himself. Also even though he often acts afraid I don't think that he actually is. I feel it's more of an act that he puts on to get his bros into protective mode. After all if they're too busy worrying about keeping Mikey safe they won't have time to worry about their own fears!**


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

The tension had finally lifted. I wasn't exactly pleased to have my bros see me all emotional like this but I was hoping that the between the height difference and the dark they wouldn't notice my tears. Mikey finally let go and looked up at me, "So Raph as much as I love hugging you in the dark like this are you cool with me turning on my flashlight? I would hate to give Leo and Don the wrong impression."

I saw the twinkle my brother's eye and seriously had to restrain myself from smacking him upside the head. "Yeah it's cool." Geez my voice was a lot deeper now too, "By the way you're lucky I'm worried about accidently fracturing your skull, otherwise you'd be getting one good smack upside the head."

Mikey flicked on the light and Leo and Don tentatively walked towards us. Mikey looked like Christmas had come early, "Seriously you mean as long as you're Raphzilla no more using Mikey as a punching bag?"

I glared down at him and a low growl escaped my throat. WHACK! I abruptly stopped my growl to see Mikey massaging his head after Don nailed him with his bo staff. "Ow….."

Don looked up at me mischievously, "Don't worry Raph I'm sure Leo and I won't mind throwing a few extra blows Mikey's way for you."

For the first time in ages we all found ourselves laughing: really truly laughing. Even Mikey couldn't help but laugh as he rubbed his head. I didn't even care that Mikey had called me Raphzilla. Besides even if I couldn't smack him it didn't mean I wouldn't find a way to get back at him later.

Mikey and Don were still laughing and I turned my attention to Leo. He was standing further back and although he had laughed with us I could tell it wasn't really reaching his eyes. Don quickly caught on to Leo and my silent exchange. Don then grabbed the still laughing Mikey by the wrist, "Hey how about Mikey and I start scouting out the way to the lair. We may have to take a slight scenic route on the way."

Thank God for Donatello. Not only did he know Leo and I needed some alone time, but he still tactfully managed to voice the problem of my tunnel navigation without making me sound like the Hulk. The two of them ran off down the tunnel with their flashlights bobbing along. It wasn't until their scents were faint enough that I knew they were out of ear shot that I turned my attention in the semi-darkness back down to Leo. He had positioned himself so that we was able to watch Don and Mikey go while still keeping me in is field of vision. I couldn't help suppress a pang of sadness at the fact that although he was pumping the same amount of adrenaline out as a few minutes ago, he was still pumping an abnormally large amount. He was now staring at his feet as if wishing he could just sink into the ground – a strange gesture of humility that I hadn't seen Leo do it years. That or he was too embarrassed to look at me now that I… _Now that I'm a freak…_

In his defense though, I too found it hard to look at him and decided to inspect the grimy ceiling for a bit. We awkwardly waited in silence. What we were waiting for? I wasn't so sure, but I did know that I was just as scared as Leo.

The silence seemed to go on forever, but I knew I needed to say what I'd been wanting to say for a while. I took a deep breath, "Look Leo I know you're probably still pretty mad 'bout the way I've been acting. I know I've been a real jerk lately. Even before Master Splinter disappeared." I paused trying to gather my thoughts. I still couldn't help staring up at the ceiling. I was never good at this stuff, "I didn't mean for you guys to worry about me or risk your shells for my sake. I know there's no excuse for me being a prick. Anyway what I mean is... Sigh. What I'm trying to say… You were right all along and I'm really sorry Leo."

I finally looked down at him and he had his arms crossed over his chest and was still staring at the floor. _Crud. He's still pissed._

I needed to fix this, "Like I mean I never meant to hurt any of you guys. You're my family and see I really care about you guys and the last thing I ever wanted is to hurt you. I just want to keep you safe. And…. And… You 'specially Leo. I really never meant to hurt you."

Still nothing. _Shit! Why isn't he saying anything? Why is he making me squirm? After blabbing all this stuff the least he could do is say something!_

"Come on Leo! Talk to me bro. You don't have to forgive me… Just please… Just say something!"

Then he took a deep shaking breath and I saw it. Just a tiny movement. He had been looking so intently at the floor not letting me see his face and I was too high up that the angle made it even more hidden. I finally saw it though: drops falling into the puddle at his feet. A shock of cold ran through me. _No way. Is Leo crying? _

He sucked in another mouthful of air and pressed his eyes closed with his fingers, "Geez Raph! Seriously you're asking me to forgive you?"

I knew it. He hated me. I'd crossed a line and there was no going back, but I understood. If he couldn't stand me any longer I would leave. I didn't want to hurt him anymore. I choked out a few words cursing myself at my lack of control. "I understand…. It was stupid…. Stupid of me to think you'd… You'd forgive me. I….. Um… I can leave… I'll go deep below ground…. You'll never have to see me or deal with me again…"

His head jerked up and he stared at me. His blue mask was darkened from the moisture around the eyes, "What? Wait?! No Raph that's not what I meant! It's me you shouldn't forgive! I'm the one you should hate! I'm the one who screwed up! I am the one that failed you. I failed you as a leader, as a friend, and worst of all I've failed you as a brother!"

I stared at him in disbelief. "What the hell are you talking about Leo?"

"It was my fault all along Raph! I knew I wasn't as strong of a leader as I could have been and instead of addressing your needs I ignored them continually. I always listened to Don and Mikey but never you! I didn't know how to listen to you Raph. And…."

He was now shaking like a leaf and I realized he hadn't been crossing his arms on his chest – he had been holding himself. It was like he was physically trying to keep himself from ripping apart, "And… And then I made it even worse… I pushed you away when you needed me most! And now… And now… And now look at you! The unthinkable has happened! Something that Don…. That I…. That I don't know how to fix! I did this to you Raph! Then… Then…. I left you alone in that warehouse! I saw how scared you were and I just ran! I was too much of a coward to face what my mistake had done to you that I just…. I just couldn't handle it and ran! I…. I am… I am so sorry Raphael! This. Is. All. My Fault."

I stared at him in utter disbelief. I didn't know what to say. It all seemed so messed up. How could he possibly think what happened to me was in any way his fault? Did he tell me to go investigate that warehouse? Did he tell me to fight those guys? Did he kick me into that tank of sludge? He was really shaking now. He looked at me miserably and I guess I was quiet for too long or had the wrong expression on my face because he was now yelling, which Leo never did, "SEE! YOU KNOW IT TO! I CAN TELL YOU HATE ME! I'LL NEVER DESERVE YOUR FORGIVENESS! I DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING!"

Suddenly it donned on me why he had so much adrenaline. Before my eyes my brother was literally breaking apart. It was as though his very soul was fracturing! "What…? Leo… That's…"

I didn't know what to say. I was so confused but here was my brother. The brother I had always idolized in every way completely and totally loathed himself. He had placed these insanely high standards on himself that no one could live up to. I didn't know what to do and as I watched I knew I had to do something before he completely imploded in on himself. "Leo…."

I did the only thing I could think of. I moved back onto my hunches so that I had access to my hands. Then as gently as I could I swept him into my hands, lifted him up, and cradled him against my chest. It was the same position Master Splinter once held us in when we were infants. Sure compared to the parents I had seen on TV holding their babies Leo was a bit small compared to me (if he laid straight he would be about the length of both my palms put together), but it worked. As soon as I grabbed him he had frozen completely. Once he was against my chest he was still tense, "Put me down Raph."

He started to wiggle and got ready to jump to the ground. He was still shaking pretty hard though and I had been anticipating this kind of reaction. "No you don't bro."

It was unbelievably easy to subdue him. I wrapped my right hand around his body just tightly enough to wind him a little. Then while he was dealing with the sudden lack of air, I turned my hand so he was belly up and laid him across the palms of my hands. I then gently placed my thumbs over his body to act as restraints and pulled my hands to my chest in an attempt to make him feel more secure. He glared at me and in a dangerous voice, "_Raphael let me go now._"

I couldn't help but smile down at him and laugh a little bit (it was kind of funny to see him like this). "Don't worry I'll let you go in a bit, but not until you calm down. So you may as well settle in because you and I both know you're not going anywhere until I say so," then to just add some emphasis I added after a pause, "_Leonardo._"

He was really glaring now, _Geez if looks could kill_.

It was the weirdest thing I had ever done, but I couldn't bear to see him in so much pain. Normally I would have just hugged him, but a normal hug was no longer really a safe option in my new form. This was really the only other option and at least now I knew I could keep him in one place until he calmed down. I knew he would tire out far sooner than my hands would (he still twisted on occasion staring daggers at me).

I did not hesitate to meet his glare, "Leo you need to calm down and listen to me bro. None of this – especially this mutation – is your fault." I saw him start to protest, "No, stop and listen to me. You said you didn't listen to me. Well here's your chance." _That shut him up._ "You can't keep shouldering all of the blame bro. Four mutant turtles' worth of blame will eventually make even the strongest turtle – that includes you – snap. Don, Mikey, and I are big boys. We can handle taking responsibility for our actions. I know that it's not in your nature and ok over the last few months you did screw up some, but trust me I'm just as much at blame as you are. In regards to last night. It was an accident. If anyone should shoulder the blame it should be me, but really the only way it could be your fault is if you had been the one to kick me into that tank. Which you didn't. Really though I could have just have easily broken my back by missing that tank and landing on that concrete floor so in a weird way I was kinda lucky ya know?

"But seriously Leo, I get that you take this leadership thing seriously and you're a perfectionist, but you cannot let it take over your life. It will destroy you bro."

He opened his mouth again, "It's not destroying me Raph!"

I sighed (at least he had given up wiggling around trying to escape), "Please just shut up and let me finish Leo. Ok maybe it hasn't destroyed you yet but putting such high unobtainable standards on yourself will eventually make you crack. Hell, I think you're already starting to crack a little bit! Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with self-improvement, but everything in moderation bro. Besides don't you have any idea how amazing you are already?"

He frowned, "You're joking right?"

"No I'm not Leo. Geez isn't it obvious? I have idolized you pretty much my whole life. You're everything I want to be bro. Yeah I'm a total twit to you sometimes, but it's only because I'm jealous. Deep down I know I'll never be half the turtle you are."

He stared up at me and I could tell I had finally made an impact. I could even smell it. The adrenaline was finally starting to dissipate. "You… You really mean that Raph?"

I nodded, "Every word Leo."

He was silent for a bit. I sensed he was chewing things over in his mind. _Whew_ _finally back to calm logical Leo. I definitely prefer this one._

I closed my eyes for a bit feeling relaxed after so long. I could feel Leo's heart beat slowly thumping under my thumb. The tunnel was cool but the steady sound of the water flowing was oddly peaceful. Then I heard Leo start to laugh

I opened my eyes and looked at Leo, "What's so funny bro?"

"It's just ironic Raph. You say how much you've always idealized me and how obvious it is. Maybe it's obvious to you, but not to me. What's really funny or at least ironic is that I've always idealized you."

I raised my eyebrows at that. "It's true Raph! Ok yeah you are a total hothead, but you're passionate, loyal, and nothing ever seems impossible to you. You're always teasing me saying how I'm the "fearless leader" but you've always been the fearless one!"

I was silent for a minute then slowly shook my head and smiled. "I guess what it comes down to bro is that we both really do need each other."

He nodded in agreement, "Hey Raph?"

"Yeah?"

"Is there any way we can just start over? Just forgive each other and move on? I want things to be the way they once were between us. I hate fighting with you all the time."

I smiled, "Sounds like one of the best plans you've come up with fearless leader. Besides," I finally lowered him to the ground and smirked, "it's probably best you don't pick any more fights with me because I'm pretty sure I can now kick your shell ten times better than before."

"Since when have you ever "kicked my shell" _Raphael_?"

"Since always _Leonardo_!"

Leo grabbed his flashlight from the floor and we started to move in the direction Don and Mikey had gone. "In your dreams maybe! Besides that's not the real issue here."

I frowned, "It's not?"

He looked at me in a playful way that Leo never seemed to use anymore. I couldn't explain how thrilled I was to see less of Mr. Serious. "Nope. You were saying how you'll never be half the turtle I am. I hate to break it to you bro but since you've packed on the pounds I'm pretty sure you're at least ten times the turtle now. Better hit the gym!"

Then he bolted down the tunnel. I stood stock still for a second. _Did he really just call me fat? He. Is. So. Dead. _

"Leonardo you are turtle soup when I catch up with you!"

I heard him laugh as he booked it down the tunnel but it did not matter where he hid. We would always be brothers.

**A/N Hello dear readers! So if this was a novel this would probably mark the end of part 1. Don't worry, I am not going to end it here! We have too many loose threads that need to be tied up! Will our heroes find a cure for Raph? Will they find Master Splinter? Will April and Casey ever hook up officially? Ok the last one I probably won't address but the others still need resolving! I have officially started publishing Part 2: Changes and so hopefully you guys will want to check it out. Thank-you so much for reading and reviewing this! I am really glad to have managed to captivate some of you. So until next time... **


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